PHight for PH......Karate Style!

By Tadesse Wondwosen, PHA Intern

    For our younger generation, living with Pulmonary Hypertension can present many challenges. Learning how to meet those challenges can be a drawn-out process. Faced with the normality of being young and aspiring, the younger PH population must also come to terms with being able to cope and manage their condition as well. We spoke with Shannon O’Donnell, an ambitious teen, as she shares her experience with fighting PH and living life to the fullest.

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PHA: Could you please introduce yourself and briefly explain your connection with PH to our readers?

Shannon O' Donnell: "Hi everyone my name is Shannon O’Donnell and I’m a pulmonary hypertension patient. I’m nineteen and I’ve had PH for thirteen years. I’m on the crono five pump for remodulin and also many oral medications and oxygen at night. I’m currently a karate teacher for mentally challenged children and will be competing in my first tournament in two weeks!"

 PHA: From my understanding, you are still in college? What school do you attend and what is your focus?

Shannon: "I attend Bunker Hill Community College in Charlestown, Mass. My major is pediatric radiology and I’m currently in the prerequisite stage of the program."

PHA: Being in college, what are some of the challenges (if any) that you face when keeping up with your PH?

Shannon: "Well I’ve had some issues with some of my professors who don’t always understand why I miss class or leave early, even if I tell them ahead of time."

 PHA: Being away from home, is there still a network of support between your family and friends?

Shannon: "My school doesn’t have dorms so I still have the luxury of living at home with my family who are constantly caring for me. Most of my friends have gone off to further schools; however I still received their love and support as well."

 PHA: Shannon, what would you say keeps you motivated in not having your PH define you?

Shannon: "Darren Criss (Blaine from glee) has this saying “There is nothing more bad-ass than being yourself.” And there’s also a lyric from Demi Lovato’s song Fire Starter, “I'm a bad-ass jumping off the moving train I'm a Jane Bond, putting all them guys to shame I'm a wild card, and I'm gonna steal your game you better watch out.” I do what I want and listen to what my body tells me. I just try to be myself no matter what." 

                                                                 

PHA: And lastly- what would your advice be in how the younger generation can live with PH and still be able to live normal lives?

Shannon: "Listen to your body and live how you want while still respecting your parents. And it’s okay to be the smartest person in science class. Go to junior and senior prom don’t let PH run your live because you have one life to live so let it go and have fun."

Be Like a Kangaroo!

By Kiara Tatum

A few days ago, I was reading my daily devotional, and it was talking about how kangaroos -- due to their shape of bodies and large tails -- cannot walk or bounce backwards.  However, they bounce in forward movements very easily.  And I thought about how I move in my life, and how I can get stuck in certain places.  But the kangaroo can’t go backwards, and they move forward as part of their nature; I want to be like a kangaroo.  I want to always be moving forward.

This sounds easier for a kangaroo to do; since, it’s their animal nature, but it’s a lot harder for people, especially those with a chronic illness like PH to follow this concept.  To add this concept as part of our human nature; it seems almost unnatural.  As a PH patient, I’m always having thoughts about why did I get PH; what if I didn’t gain so much weight, would I have gotten PH; if my pediatrician saw the whole in my heart when I was younger, would I have PH now; if I didn’t decide to go back to work would I be dealing with Social Security complications; and so on and so on.  I don’t want to stay stuck on those things of the past because it's a lonely, dark, sad place to stay.  As I read in the devotional I can’t really live there, and I don’t want my PHriends to live in the past either.  I had to learn and I’m still learning these lessons in life:

1. Leave the past behind you
2. Reach for things ahead of you
3. Think positively 
4. Be hopeful
5. And know you’re never alone

I will be like a kangaroo; always moving forward.  I will learn from my past, but leave it behind me, so that I can live a more fulfilled, joyous life.

I Can't Believe They Said That!

I Can’t Believe They Said That!!!

From one patient to another, we have all had that moment when we think to ourselves, “I can’t believe they said that!”  Sometimes it is a stranger at the grocery store, a coworker or the naïve family member.  Normally the closer the person is to you the more it hurts and the longer it consumes your thoughts.  It is very difficult for others to understand what life is like living with a serious medical condition.  The purpose of this post is for you to share with those most involved in your life.  My hope is that it will be a gentle guide to help the communication between you and them.  The following guidelines pertain specifically to Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension (PAH).

What NOT to say…

• “You don’t look sick.”  Just because we do not look sick does not mean that we are not feeling poor.  This disease is a microscopic internal struggle between the heart and lungs.  PAH affects millions of tiny blood vessels that branch off from the larger pulmonary artery that is connected to the heart.  Every breath and heartbeat requires more energy for a PAH patient than for a healthy person. 

• “It’s not that bad.”  A patient struggles regularly to perform daily tasks that would otherwise be simple.  This is incredibly frustrating and an emotional battle.  We struggle with acceptance of the limitations that are placed on us by this disease.  We struggle with the social embarrassments of needing to take breaks because of lightheadedness or turning blue when performing a task that requires an increase in oxygen.  It is discouraging to be meet with non-sympathetic statements. 

• “I know how you feel.”  You do not know how we feel so please don’t say so.  Our high blood pressure feels very different than the more common type of high blood pressure.  We experience side effects from medications you have never taken.  Multiple hospital stays, doctor visits and medical tests are physically draining.  The way this disease affects us is individualized and it is impossible for you to know how we feel.

What to say…

•            “I believe that you are sick.”  Instead of telling someone that they don’t look sick, you should believe them.  The way PAH affects the individual fluctuates day to day.  On the worse days it is nicest to know that you’re believable.  Denial of the impact of this disease is only harmful.  Conveying that you believe the patient is sick allows us to feel that you are willing to fight this with us.
•            “I’m sorry this is something you are going through.”  Sympathy: the perception, understanding, and reaction to the distress or need of another human being.  Telling us “It’s not that bad” while meant to be encouraging is actually naive.  This disease is bad, life or death bad.  To be encouraging say, “I’m sorry this is something you are going through.”  It conveys sympathy to our situation.  It is encouraging to know that our pain saddens you. 
•          “Help me understand.”  While you may not know how the patient feels, you are able to be more supportive if you gain understanding of PAH.  Listen to us talk about how diagnosis changed our life.  Learn about the science of the disease.  And one of the best things you can do to understand is attend a patient support group meeting.  A few of my friends went with me in college and I clearly remember how enlightening it was for them and how supported I felt.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of what not to say and what to say to a PAH patient.  Please add your own in the comment section below.  Remember share this article with your family and friends!

In Spite of PH

Kevin and Karen poses with some of their parade
walkers after Marietta's notoriously hot and humid Fair Parade.

It’s November and I am fired up. Is it because it’s PH awareness month? Possibly. Is it because I have learned a lesson in my life with PH and I am excited to keep going from here? Maybe. Final question, is it because I feel the last year has taught me something great, and I am burning to share it with the world? Well... it is a combination of all three, really. A year has passed since my first awareness month, and I have learned so much in the last year; talked to so many people; and I hope, helped one or two people along the way.

In January 2013 I decided that I was going to run for office in my hometown. It is something that I have always wanted to do, and I figured “why not now?” I am feeling better than I have in years, and I figured that if nothing else was learned, I would need to keep myself organized for my health, and to keep my PH from getting the better of me. At the end of the campaign though, as I look back at it, I realize I did something else entirely. As my wife, Karen, and I reviewed everything the other night, as we talked to our friends, the campaign volunteers, and the city officials who helped me prepare for my run for office, we came to a startling conclusion that hit us over the heads after my friend and fellow PHer Teresa Hayes stated “You live your life in spite of PH.” That’s when it hit me, she is right. Karen and I didn’t let PH rule us this year like it did last year; We lived our lives in spite of it; we did not let PH guide us, we controlled it, we took this “new normal” and just made it our “normal.” I didn’t let my pulmonary hypertension deter me, or hold me back. I actually used it as a springboard to start the conversation, I used my PH as the motivation to do this, to live this year with purpose and drive, and I didn’t realize I had done it until Teresa made her observation, and until Karen informed me that I had, in fact, done just that. Not at any point in the last year did we let PH deter us. If I had reservations about anything, Karen helped me find a solution that was beneficial to us both. I walked, I talked, I attended every event I could fit into my schedule, and I did it on my terms, in my way, making PH work for me. 

I understand that for every one of us, something may be different, that what works for me or you may not work for someone else, but it is possible to redefine ourselves with PH, and not let PH redefine us, at least not in a negative light. I have heard patients say that they feel different now, that the new normal has changed them. In some regards that’s true. Perhaps it’s a quiet fishing day now instead of a canoe trip on the lake. Perhaps its a relaxing car ride when before it may have been a bicycle ride. But you don’t have to let pulmonary hypertension change YOU; who we are at the core of our beings. That person who laughs; that person who enjoys a good book in the backyard; that person who strives to make their community better, they still exist. The only thing that changes is the means that we use to achieve our ends. You can still do what you want to do, you can still strive for something more than the sum of your parts. We, as chronic patients, have to deal with a myriad of things that “normal” people do not. That doesn’t mean we can’t make the disease work for us. I already see it in so many patients; people who have taken PH, and found a new cause, a new purpose, a new way of living that doesn’t restrict them. It empowers them to work for our community, and to work for a common cause. As patients in general go, we can do the same thing, but for our families, for our communities, and for ourselves. We don’t have to let PH define us, we can define it, and determine what this disease is to us. Is it the end of our world, or just a new chapter in our lives that we already have so much experience living? Is pulmonary hypertension a reason to curl up, or a reason to redefine ourselves and our purpose on this Earth? I think that it can be just that, a redefinition of not who we are, but what we are here to do.

Karen and Victoria play on the front porch. Life with PH
doesn't mean changing who we are, it just means altering
how we do things. Sometimes if a bike ride is not possible,
it's time to break out the bubbles for our family's
outdoor night.

I have learned so much about myself in the last year and how to live with pulmonary hypertension. This disease motivated me to throw my life into another gear, to do what I could with what I had and strive to make my world a better place to live. I used PH to start the conversation, and then to springboard from it into how we were going to make my town a better place to live. I took so much motivation from my fellow patients who have redefined themselves, and do not let this disease rule them, they rule it. We have to live with pulmonary hypertension, that is an unfortunate fact, but I believe we each can let PH rule us, or we can rule it. This last year, I learned how to not just live with PH, but how to make it work for me, how to use it, instead of letting it use me. I know one thing for certain, if I can do this, without realizing it, then there are so many more of you out there who can do this, too. We all need to find the exact path that works best for us. That is why I am fired up this November, because I have learned that I made my entire year an awareness event, without even trying. I may have lost my election (by 275 votes in a city of 15,000), but I feel I did so much more than just run a campaign, I feel I did so much more than learn to live with this disease; I learned how to redefine myself, I learned how to live my life in spite of PH, and I have learned that anything is still possible, we just have to learn for ourselves how to achieve it. 

"I Breathe; Therefore, I live." A Life Lesson From My Grandmother

By Kevin Paskawych

I know we all have heroes. We look up to athletes, celebrities, politicians; the list goes on. Patients are no different, though our heroes include spouses, children, parents, doctors, and even other patients often make the list. I have to say that my biggest “PH Hero” is someone who taught me how to deal with a “new normal” and life in general, years before I ever knew I would need the lessons. Charlotte Mayhood lived her life completely, raising five children, and centering herself in the lives of her grandchildren. She was a published poet, a cornerstone of her community, and above all taught her grandchildren to use our imaginations. My Grandmother taught me so much, but perhaps her biggest gift to me I didn’t realize until just this last year. Sadly, it was 6 years too late to thank her for the lesson, so I figure the best way I can thank her is to pass on these teachings... are you ready for it? “I’m still breathing, so I guess I can’t complain.”

It seems like an odd lesson, if you can call it one at all, and it has been my standard response to greetings for years. I picked it up from my Grandmother Charlotte, who used it as her standard response, although that is precisely why I find it special. My grandmother was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid arthritis at an early age, doctors predicted she would be crippled by 40... and they were, more or less, right. When her first grandchildren started arriving she was beginning to stiffen, and by the time her last grandchildren were born the bones and joints in her hands and feet were fused, as she had had several surgeries to replace her ailing joints. Despite her limitations she would still play as well as she could with all 12 of her grandchildren, write her poetry (with a pen for the longest time until finally she began using a typewriter.. using her middle finger on each hand to type) and try to make herself as involved in our lives as she could. Through all of it, and the 24 years that I knew her, she never complained. If you ever asked her if she needed something, or if you simply wanted to ask her how her day was, the response was almost always “I can’t complain, I’m still breathing.” 

My Grandmother wasn’t that stubborn, don’t get me wrong. If she really needed help with something, she would ask... it just wasn’t incredibly often. After my Grandfather passed away, our family openly worried about how to take care of her, and she answered our concerns with remodeling her house with chair lifts and special furniture that made her life easier. She spent the next twelve years living mostly on her own, still insisting that most family Thanksgivings be held at her big blue house, even though it meant more work for her overall. Ok... she was a little stubborn... but her light heart made up for it. Even though she could barely walk, she loved being outside. Despite not being able to use her hands, she loved to write; and although she was in nearly constant pain for much of her life, she loved living. It’s why I admire her so much even to this day, and when a friend asked me several months ago how I was dealing with PH and my “new life” so well, I knew how to answer him. My Grandmother taught me how.

The Author with his Grandmother Charlotte, circa 1986.

 I realized that as long as I was still breathing, things could be worse, and that I needed to stop fretting over what was wrong with me, and start enjoying the world around me. It’s not easy, as I am sure all of you know, and I still have my bad days, but every time I hear myself say “I’m still breathing” I have to smile a little, and realize that in fact, I am still breathing, which means I am still here. My Grandmother was the first person who taught me to use my mind, and it lead me to study the philosophical concepts of Descarte and his “I think, therefore I am” idea. I guess now I should say “I breathe, therefore I live.” It is something I think that everyone, no matter who you are or what you do, needs to contemplate; but for us, for patients, this is something that can really help us on our down days, and make the good days even more enjoyable. We all have things we can complain about, and we do. But they are trivial when you look at the big picture. I like looking at that big picture, and even though I can’t make a friend’s wedding because of a doctor’s appointment, or my Adcirca gave me a wicked headache today; I was still here to have the headache, to see the doctor and find out how I’m doing. I am still here, I am still breathing. I can’t complain about that.

I know it’s not an easy lesson, and some patients may think that it is just hot air, but I am telling you, it works. Take a few minutes every day, and just breathe. It doesn’t matter if you are having an up day or a down day. Just breathe. Contemplate your day, think about the world around you, and when someone asks you how you are doing, I dare you to try it. Answer them with “I can’t complain. I’m still breathing.”, and see how you feel. Try it once.... I triple-dog dare you.... and remember that “I breath, therefore I live.”.... and when you crack that little smile, and the next breath you take smells a little sweeter... say a Thank You to Charlotte Mayhood somewhere in your mind, I always do.

Generation Hope Goes to Boston

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Posted by Colleen Brunetti

On June 8^th, PHA brought their education program “PHA on the Road” to Boston, MA. Doctors, patients, caregivers, and family members convened at a beautiful hotel on the Charles River. It was a day of education and networking, a time to make new friends, and a time to meet up with old.

The day started with pre-forum support groups where newly diagnosed, longer-term patients, parents, and caregivers could meet up specifically. I, along with Kiara Tatum, led the newly diagnosed group. I remember the early days of diagnosis…wondering how to find the right doctor, trying to have confidence in your treatment plan, the worrying and wondering that comes with a diagnosis like pulmonary hypertension. So many patients reached out to support us in those early days – it is a privilege to pay it forward and offer that support for others.

The opening session went over diagnosis, treatments, and long-term management of pulmonary hypertension. No matter how many times you attend these events, a refresher always helps, along with the very good chance that you will pick up one or two new things along the way. Break-out sessions throughout the day offered time to learn about more specific areas of interest, such as exercise and diet, congenital heart disease, and preparing for travel and emergencies.

Colleen with Jeannette Morrill

The highlight of the day’s events for me, as I’m sure for many others, was listening to Jeannette Morrill talk about her journey with PH.  Jeannette has been diagnosed for 37 years!  This is totally unheard of in the PH world - especially as her diagnosis came in 1976 prior to any real treatments being available.  Jeannette's story is one of perseverance and hope, brutally honest in the challenges, and full of celebration in the triumphs.  

Finally, the day wound to a close, ending on a high note, with an overview of clinical trials for new treatments, some perhaps not so promising, but several that may be set to offer new hope for patients.

As the conference wound down, Generation Hopers gathered in the hotel restaurant for our meet-up. We’ve had meet-ups like this a few times before, but it never ceases to amaze me, sitting there watching everyone interact. The connections that happen are nothing short of spectacular. PH can feel pretty isolating, but I could look across that circle and see another mom raising young children while she battles PH, and I know she “gets it”. Two other patients connect as they share news of their pending lung transplant evaluations. What’s it like to be in your 20s or 30s and staring down a full lung transplant? I don’t know. But they do. And when you face anything like this, you need each other.

By far the highlight was sitting in that circle, listening to each attendee talk about their hopes – what gives them hope, or what they have hope for. Hope that children will no longer know their mom as “sick”, hope for a favorable transplant experience, hope to have to use less oxygen, hope for new and better treatments… the hope that binds us together and spurs us forward. Thank goodness for moments like these.

In May, All Things Are Possible

By Kevin Paskawych

There is something in the air... and I am not referring to the pollen that constantly reminds me of why I actually “kind of” like winter. My allergies aside, there is something magical about this time of year; as my grandmother used to say, “May is the most hopeful month of them all.” I have to agree. May has always been a month of hope for me. Graduations bring the hope of new adventures, new jobs bring the hope of personal betterment, and new friends bring the hope of something more to this life. This year, my hope is for continued improvement with my condition and for a new life adventure that last year seemed to be on hold indefinitely.

Arguably, the hardest part of dealing with PAH is the fundamental lifestyle change that most of us have to endure. What was our daily life is quite often thrown out, and we are forced to adapt to what is so often called our “New Normal.” Activities that we once knew as routine can be forbidden. And for some of us, working and even our hobbies become impossible tasks. Having to make so many changes so quickly can be depressing, and I have heard more than one patient comment on how their work or hobbies—activities now forbidden—were the reason for them to be alive. It is easy to feel the pain in a statement like that; it is harder to understand that all is not lost, and, especially at this time of year, there is hope.

Perhaps it is fitting that World PH Day is in the month of May, particularly for younger patients. If May is the most hopeful month of them all, then I believe in a beautiful symmetry with being a part of the generation of PHers known as “Generation Hope.” We have the hope of new research, new findings, and new medications that are working towards giving us longer, fuller lives. We also have our peers and their stories of improvement, their stories of overcoming obstacles many of us have, and their support as part of the group to get through the new challenges we face in our lives. For my own part, this May is particularly hopeful.

One year ago my fiancée Karen and I had to postpone our wedding indefinitely due to my then “unknown” condition. We had to stop our strolls along nature trails around Marietta and kayaking afternoons and bike rides stopped. We wondered if we would ever get to do these things again the way we once had. Then, we discovered that changes in life did not mean we had to stop life. Kayak trips became fishing trips from the shore; nature hikes became light strolls through the neighborhood. We didn’t let PH take joy from us; we simply adjusted our activities and time together fittingly. We found our own hope in finding things that I could still do, that were adequate substitutes for what we used to do. We found hope in our doctors who diagnosed me, and worked with both of us; we found hope in the medications, and how quickly I seemed to respond to the various treatments. Finally, we found hope when the doctors agreed to release me for pulmonary rehabilitation. One year after we initially postponed our wedding, Karen and I were married this past weekend. We have found yet more hope in the month of May, and we have hope aplenty for the time to come.

May is an amazing month, and I believe it can prove to any of us that hope is there, that joy is there. We have to find it for ourselves; the path of one is not necessarily the path for another. In my case hope came from my improvement while on medication, the joy from finding new, more easily doable hobbies and pastimes; and being able to do that which had been postponed last May. The year takes shape this month. As the days get longer, the weather gets warmer, and we see the rebirth from winter’s cold grasp. This is going to be another year of hope; that there will be new research, that there will be new therapies, and that we will all have a good year. May is the month of hope. It is the month of rebirth. It is the perfect time of year.

Depression and PH

Depression is a battle many people with Pulmonary Hypertension and other chronic illnesses have to face from time to time.  Living with chronic medical conditions puts strain on a person not only physically, but emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially, and cognitively. This can be very overwhelming if not addressed.

Find the Source

First, we must step back and as clearly as possible examine what could be causing our depression.  What is the root of our emotional pain?  Medications and their side effects can cause depression.  There are some medicines that cause pain that could be making the depression set in or the medication itself causing emotional imbalances.  I like to not only read the side effects of new medications from the pharmacy, but also look up the medicine online.  My favorite website is www.webmd.com , but keep in mind everything you read online (even a reputable source) may have misleading/scary information.  Also, discuss what you are feeling to your doctor.  He/She may know the source and can help you better cope with the cause of your depression, whether it is medication side effects, pain management or another source.

Reach Out and Talk It Out

When I was depressed I wanted to just stay in bed with my head covered and block the whole world out.  Some days I cry very easily.  At first it was hard to open up about how I was feeling, but after I started to talk about it I started feeling better.  There are different ways and people you can reach out and talk to about your feelings:  close family and friends, PH support groups and mentors, and counselors.  I have my husband to talk to, but my mom lives far from me so I call and email her.  I have also attended support groups and counseling.  Often, I communicate with my mentors about certain issues that may arise or just to talk to a friend.  That constant communication helps me cope and provide clarity about what is stirring on inside my mind.  A couple links to PH mentors are http://www.phassociation.org/Mentors and http://peernetwork.net/.

In Addition…

There are other ways to help with depression or even preventing from getting depressed although it does sneak up on you sometimes:

• Get involved with volunteering, clubs/organizations (like a book club), or use your special talents to help others
• Meditate on positive messages, such as Bible verses, quotes, or proverbs
• Journal-- writing it out is another way I found of releasing my feelings
• Relieve stress by making lists, delegating responsibilities, using planners and alarms
• Talk to your doctor about medication for depression
• Get out, not just seeing the doctor, getting your labs done, or going to work, but to have fun!

Living with PH and other chronic illnesses can be overpowering at times.  I don’t want it to rule my life and I don’t want it to rule yours.  If you have any other ways you cope with depression please share so we may help and uplift each other.

May peace be with you,

Shawna

I Am What I Am Because of PH

By Kiara Tatum

The Latin proverb says, “Sickness shows us what we are.”  Like the proverb, pulmonary hypertension has taught me exactly who and what I am.  My life drastically changed since the onset of PH symptoms 7 years ago.  I graduated from college and started my career, and then my losses began: financial stability, friends, my home, my car, control and independence.  However, my diagnosis of PH has many positive outcomes as well as negative.

I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride of loops and upward and downward slopes.  Before my diagnosis, I thought I knew what and who I was: a licensed social worker, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend.  I exercised regularly with a trainer and ate healthy food.  My plan in life was to open a private practice and focus on psychotherapy for adolescents with emotional and learning disabilities.  After my diagnosis, I had to overcome many challenges and obstacles.  I slept on a futon in my mother’s living room.  We moved to a bigger apartment, but then I shared a bedroom with my little sister and later-on, with my sister and nephew.  My income went from a good salary to less than half that, and then I had no income for months.  But I still had to pay medical bills, an electric bill, car insurance and other bills.  I was depressed, angry and felt like I was nothing.  What I didn’t expect was that this PH journey would be good for me.  

I learned what I am from PH,  I am strong;  I have the strength I need to get up every day and take medication, to deal with the not so good PH days, and to be okay with having PH.  The strength I gained from rebuilding my life, a different life.  No more sleeping on a futon or sharing a bedroom; because I moved to my own apartment and I sleep in my own room.  I receive Social Security Disability Insurance with Medicare and supplemental health insurance.  I also teach as an adjunct instructor at my local community college.  I may not be able to climb Mt. Everest, but I have enough strength to hike to Stone Church in Dover, New York.  This strength I have allows me to overcome any obstacle such as heart failure that PH puts in my path.

Kiara with mom, niece, and nephews

My faith deepened.  I learned to rely more on God for my strength and guidance.  His strength and power gives me strength and provides hope when I’m weak, tired, depressed and angry.  My priorities in life have changed from self-focused to other-focused.  I share my free time in service for others such as volunteering in my community, being a support group leader for PH patients, etc.  I also realized that I have more support than I thought, and I formed stronger bonds with family and friends.  My mom, sisters, nieces and nephews have been there for me through the hospital visits, doctor’s appointments, but also through the fun days of family outings.   My nephews and nieces carry those heavy oxygen tanks for me, attend my PH support group meetings, and we spend quality time together.  Staying in contact with close friends is important to me no matter how far away those friends live; Facebook and texting help.  I created new friendships, “phriendships.”  I met and talk to people with PH from all over the world, through PHA conferences, support group meetings, Facebook and even focus groups.  My “phriends” and I go through similar experiences, so we empathize with one another and don’t have to explain PH. 

A chronic illness changed my life, negatively and positively.  What about you?  What are some positive changes PH has brought to your life? Comment below.

Life ... and Death

By Michelle Joy Guerrero

How bad could death be?

Life.  Death.  I've never tried looking at these as two intertwined points in our lives. I've always thought that they are two separate dots: one being the starting point, the other being the end point.  Never did I consider thinking about that one straight line connecting the two.

When I learned that I have this disease, death became my monster.  I feared that it may be too close, or, if not, this disease might be an end point stretched well enough to make a dash – a prolonged death, a lifetime uselessness.  I feared that I may not become anything but a parasite.  I spent 3 sleepless nights thinking about how my life would unfold from then on, and then a lot more days in denial that this has no cure.

But there are things we have to accept, and the first one of them is the fact that Pulmonary Hypertension has no cure and that, second, in the natural course of things we will die from it.  It’s only after that time of acceptance that we can really move on with life.  It’s only after we stop fantasizing that we will all be cured from this that we can clear our minds and think about how we want our lives, to be rewritten by us, and not by this disease.

With this disease, we turn 180 degrees and change our lives in an instant.  It’s sometimes one of the things we believe to be negative, because we have to lose and quit a lot of things.  But death has its own beauty.  We live our lives thinking that soon, all that we have may just disappear: our careers, our independence, our active lifestyles, our adventures.  All the things we have now and all the things we want to have later, will go on the same day our hearts and lungs give up.  But once we think a little deeper than all these worries, we discover that the only thing that we worry about is life.  We think about how we would all live despite having a disease that threatens us.  We start to lose interests over things of material values, and instead start living  a life we want to look back to on our death beds.

If I’m going to die next year, do I have to cry for a year or run away from the fact that I am indeed dying?  What do I gain if I cry?  Does life become better if I run away from it?  I gain nothing, and life does not become sweeter if I run.  It only becomes worse, and my condition will only worsen.

Everyone dies.  Even the richest man dies.  Even the greatest doctor dies.  The only difference between everyone’s deaths is how much one is prepared for it.  But how do we prepare for it?  We live in the moment.  We pursue careers we want to pursue.  We spend time with people we love.  We read books we've always wanted to read.  We listen to music.  We go out and get to know our neighborhood.  We watch movies we used to have no time for.  We tell people how much we love them.  We say sorry and thank you to people that deserve them.  We laugh, and we laugh harder.  We do things that will be good for our body.  We eat proper meals with our specific diet.  We exercise to keep us fit.  We take our medicines on time.  We sleep well.  We live our lives thinking and making sure that we don’t have regrets floating in our heads when it’s finally our time to go.  We do things that make us happy, and we do all the things we could to make sure our disease does not ruin our lives.  We live ensuring ourselves that when that time comes; we peacefully say it’s time.

I used to fear death, until I came to think that it’s too shallow to look at it as the last day everyone refuses to face.  Although it had always been the end point, the only thing that really matters is how beautifully and smoothly we've drawn the line from start to finish.  And although we know that there will always be an end point in the future, we are never really sure how close it is.  So go on, draw the line beautifully until you reach the end, or, better yet, draw the line as beautiful and long as you can so that when the day comes that PH finally has a cure, you can simply draw over that point and move the final point much, much further.

Let's Get Together!

By Kiara Tatum

LtoR Mike MacDonough, Melanie Kozak, Jhenna Pacelli , Jason Kozak, Tara Suplicki, Kiara Tatum, Joshua Griffis, Collen Brunetti, Kevin Roberson, Braden Buehler, Kirsten Larson, Alex Castro Flipse & Picture taken by Debbie Castro (PHA/Director of Volunteer Services)

Planning for the first Generation Hope meet up started in the winter with the idea from Melanie Kozak and Colleen Brunetti.  They wanted all those who could get to NYC to come out and to have Generation Hope get together.  I suggested doing it during the warmer months because I know how difficult winter can be for me despite this winter being as a warm as it was.  I was really excited to meet some of the people that I known from Facebook.  Three days before the meet up, I had an emergency and was sent to the hospital by ambulance.  I really didn’t want to miss out on this gathering, so I prayed and hoped that I wouldn’t be admitted, and I wasn’t admitted.  I left the hospital later that evening with a prescription and instructions to rest for a few days.  However, I had to prepare for the meet up on Saturday.  I had to get my hair styled, so I did.  The medical emergency took a lot of energy away from me, but by Saturday morning I was ready to take the train to NYC to meet my phriends.  I looked forward to the meet up for months, and the lack of energy and an emergency hospital visit wasn’t going to keep me away from going to this. 

Kiara, Debbie, Tara, Kevin, Melanie

Weather was beautiful and I was anxious, but happy to be meeting up with phriends my age.  My support group members are older than me, and some of the patients have children my age.  So this meeting was important to find phriends that shared common interest with me and not just PH. First I met up with my NYC “tour guide,” Kevin, and he brought me to Ellen’s Stardust Dinner – Colleen’s choice in restaurant – near Time Square.  After two buses and a couple blocks of walking, we arrived. I was there amongst friends that I talked to on Facebook or email, but today we were in person.  So surreal!  We greeted each other with hugs and laughs as we waited to be seated at the diner.  Did you know that Generation Hopers are very talkative?  Well at least that day we all could be together and have a great time at the diner.  Enjoy the good food and company – great pick Colleen!  The wait staff sung songs from the musical "Rent" (Joshua Griffis's favorite musical) and "Mamma Mia", performed a Whitney Houston and a Michael Jackson number, and even did a great job rapping to Nicki Minaj’s "Super Bass".

Alex and Kiara

After brief discussion of what to do after we ate, we then headed to Time Square.  There were vendors in the streets, and we all shopped and looked around.   We had such an interesting time getting to know each other out in Time Square. Some of us – Alex Castro and myself – stopped and brought some jewelry.  And I’m not sure how many cups of coffee Debbie Castro had, but that girl loves some Starbucks coffee, and there are plenty of them in NYC.  While the man prayed for over me, Alex had my back just in case he decided to go pick pocketing or something.  And thank you to Melanie for coming to my rescue when the woman in the yellow t-shirt, who was mediating with other yellow t-shirt people, said to me that I could be healthy if I mediated.  Melanie gave a quick PH lesson – with a Jersey attitude – to the woman.  Using oxygen always seems to attract people of all kinds.  It’s hard to get used to the stares, but it felt great to have my new phriends around to support me.  It was getting late, and I know I had to get back to the train because I was running low on oxygen.  So I took the taxi with Jhenna and her husband, Mike to Grand Central Terminal.  We sat down and hung out at Grand Central before our trains arrived.  It felt so good riding home on that train.  Joshua posted on Facebook that the remaining phriends saw the musical Rent that night, one of my favorite musicals.  I wish I could have seen it with them, but you know that your life is controlled by your oxygen supply.

Kiara with Elmo

I really needed that day.  Being with other PH patients that are going through similar situations and your age was just perfect.   We may talk on Facebook, but it’s not real until you see each other.  It’s like you know you’re truly not alone.  That day brought more light to the darkness of having PH, it empowered me and I gained a little more hope, and now I’m more armed against my PH fight.  We already agreed to have another meet up possibly in October.  And maybe more Generation Hope meet ups will start popping up all over the world.

A Journey Not So Smooth

By Kiara Tatum

Kiara's Family On Path to Stone Church

I was noticing that over the last week there were more postings of people with PH venting and feeling down on the PH Family Facebook page.  Although I didn't post it, I also had a couple of low days last week.  And one day, I stayed in my bed all day long because I just couldn't face the day and wanted to hide.  This PH journey isn't a smooth, a steady or an easy path that allows you to simply take medication, and you will be cured.  It's an uneven, bumpy, rough and difficult path.

Kiara and her nephews

I was reminded of last summer when I went on my first hike since I was diagnosed with PH.  It was a place I wanted to go to for years.  I printed up the brochure in 2007, and I told my family and some friends that I wanted to go to Stone Church in the Town of Dover, NY.  Knowing I was on oxygen and I could barely walk a block at that time, I had to see it.  During my six-minute walk tests, I would have chest pains, dizzy spells, would have to slow down and hold my chest, so going on a hike to Dover Stone Church just seemed impossible.  But I wanted to do it.  So summers would pass, and I never went.  I knew I wasn't physically ready to go.  Then in the fall of 2010, I started Remodulin subcutaneously, and it gave me hope to reach my goal of going on the hike to Dover Stone Church.  In the summer on August 20, 2011, I made the journey. 

Stone Church Entrance

We had to drive up and around the mountain which presented thinner air as we got closer to the site.  I had to climb stairs, I had to cross rocky paths, I had to walk over slippery wet rocks, walk up a mountain, but I did it.  I slipped, but I didn't fall; my oxygen tank rolled the wrong direction, but I pulled it with me.  I had to let my mom hold my oxygen tank for me, but I kept walking; I had to stop for breaks, but I never gave up.  I had to catch my breath, but I had more breaths left and I reached the top, and I saw Dover Stone Church.  When I walked inside the cave, I knew my journey was complete.  I was so proud of myself, and my family was proud of me as well.  It was so beautiful and so serene.  Knowing what I had to go through to get to that point made the journey so much more meaningful and powerful for me.  I had the strength, courage, faith and hope I needed to take on that not so smooth journey to see the natural beauty of this world, and I did it!

Path to Stone Church

So sometimes you may want to give up because you feel like you don't have any more strength to fight, but hold on a little longer.  It's not going to be easy or straight, and you're going to feel depressed and angry sometimes.  Just remember there is going to be something--a medication change, an inspirational song, an encouraging word from a phriend, or anything--that will give you more hope, courage and strength needed to fight another day and another day to get out of bed, to take your medicine, to do the simple yet hard tasks of the everyday.  Also remember you are not alone; you have your family, friends, and phriends to help you through each day.  Have hope on this not so smooth journey!  And maybe one day, we won't have to fight any more.