Sometimes Plans Have to Change

By Kiara Tatum

Life doesn’t always go according to the plans, especially when you have PH.  You can plan for a great outing with your friends; maybe see a movie and have a nice lunch with your friends.  But with a chronic illness like PH, you may wake up that morning and feel not so good and have to cancel the planned outing with your friends.  Sometimes your plans just have to change.

I was recently hospitalized for five days, but I had lots of plans made.  I had a doctor’s appointment, meetings to attend, a meet and greet to prepare for at my church, prepare for the upcoming spring 2013 semester, a blog to write for PHA, and had to….  I had plans!  So of course when I started to notice that something was wrong, I ignored it.  I denied that something was wrong.  However, I needed at least one more day to get some things completed because I couldn’t stop just right yet.  But then my body knew it was time to go to the hospital, it was not letting me do anything.  I could barely walk from the living room to the bathroom without hugging the wall and feeling short of breath.  Well then I thought, I’ll go into the emergency room, get stabilize, and be out in and out.  That was doable.  So true because of these plans I had, I had certain things that had to get done before I could call ambulance.  So here I am ready to go to the hospital, and I’m calling around to people to ask if someone could come get the display board to finish it for me.  I figure if I couldn’t finish it; someone else could finish it.  I had everything laid out, so it would be real easy.  Well no one was able to do it for me.  And after an hour, more than an hour, I decided to call the ambulance.

I get to the hospital, and things don’t go according to my plans either.  I get put on fluids since I was dehydrated, and I get all the testing like blood work, chest x-ray, EKG, etc. completed.  The on duty doctor reviewed my results and says I need to be admitted.  Well that didn’t work with my plans.  So now I’m a little frustrated.  Okay so re-strategize.  I’m in the hospital a day or two which gives me plenty of time to be ready to teach for the spring 2013 semester, which is still doable.  After hours of waiting for a bed, I get admitted.  The ICU experience didn’t go according to plan either.  While in the ICU, what could go wrong at that moment did go wrong, so this prompted my PH specialist to have me transferred to his hospital as soon as a CCU bed became available.  So now I’m angry and furious.  I know I need to go, but this just really changed the plan. 

I have PH that drastically changed my life almost seven years ago, and now the one thing that has been keeping me afloat the last few months was going to be taken away from me.  I couldn’t teach if I was in the hospital.  Now my plans have to change again because of PH.  I couldn’t stand for it again.  These plans made were needed to make myself feel like I was productive and that I was like everyone else that worked and earned an income, and it was something that I loved to do.  I was angry, hurt and sad.  I started to panic, and I knew that I had to at least try to hold on to my teaching position.  I contacted the school and was informed that I could have someone cover the classes for me while I was in the hospital and the whole semester if necessary.  I also received a telephone call from a newly appointed dean, and he reassured me that whatever happened I would have a position at the school. 

So what can we do when PH disrupts the plans we have?  We can’t do anything.  Hardest lesson to learn, but it must be learned.  We have to just be okay with the fact that plans change.  If I wasn’t going to be able to teach this semester, then it was just going to have to be that I couldn’t teach this semester.  We must eventually accept and let go of the anger, the frustration, the let down, and accept that sometimes plans have to change.  Having PH means were going to have a lot, more than those without a chronic illness, of changes to our plans.  Those changes to our plans at first may seem to anger you, make you feel sad and hurt, but it will make you stronger and more creative.  It’ll all be okay.

A New Year, Let's Reflect!

By Kiara Tatum

It's a new year, and what usually happens at the beginning of the year is that people start to make new year's resolutions.  We feel that it's a time for new beginning, a time to start over, and a chance to make things better.  However, we still have Pulmonary Hypertension, and we still have a not so smooth journey ahead of us.  And a typical problem for everyone, regardless of chronic illness is that after a couple of months,--four months if your a little more dedicated--you stop working on your resolutions.  Going to the gym 3-4 times a week turns into paying for a membership that you never use.  I would tell you to throw away those resolutions; however, I know that they are important to us all and give us guidance over the next year.  What I would suggest is to look at some of these tips that may help you to accomplish those resolutions this year.

1. Reflect on last year.  Look at those resolutions that you developed last year, and give some positive and negative feedback to yourself: what worked well and what didn't work; did you learn or discover anything new about yourself?  Review the one's that you accomplished, and think about why those resolutions were accomplished.  Sometimes it's because they were realistic, clear, concise and rewarding.  Maybe those resolutions challenged and pushed you, but were within your limits to complete.  Then look at the resolutions that you didn't accomplish.  Were they unrealistic and too complex?  Were they too far beyond outside limits?
2. Know your strengths, weaknesses and limits.  I'm good putting together a lesson plan; however, I can't seem to keep my apartment organize.  I can walk two blocks without stopping; however, I can't do an hour Zumba workout. I can design a great calendar/schedule; however, I'm such a procrastinator that the schedule doesn't really help.  I'm sure over the years that you have discovered what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are as will as your limits.  So don't forget about them when creating resolutions.
3. Let go.  Sometimes we hold on to the past and that feeling we have no control over.  It's time to let go of it and move on.  If I'm holding on to the anger of having of PH, then I'm never going to be able to find out how much stronger I have become since my diagnosis.  Whatever has been said to you or done to you in the past; learn to forgive and let go.  Sometimes journaling about it the situation, writing a letter that you won't mail out, talking to person in an empty chair, or even crying it out can help you to release the feeling and finally let go of it.
4. Pick a word for the year.  It's a creative way to do New Year's resolutions, but with just one word.  This chosen word will be your focal point throughout the year, and it will guide you on your not so smooth journey. Read more at Create Write Now.  If my chosen word was Hope, then Hope will guide me throughout the year.  Whenever something seems to hard or challenging; I will remember to have hope and will get through it.

I hope this tips will help you through your New Year's Resolutions.  And remember just because it's a new year, and you have a fresh start; it doesn't mean that it will be an easy and smooth journey.  Throughout every year, we have our ups and downs, so just don't be too hard on yourself.  Learn from it and let go!  If you have tips you would like to share with others, please post in the comments.  Happy New Year!!!