A PH Story

Part I

By Eye Shaa Malik

Everyone has a story.  Here's mine...

How long you have been with PH? What medication are you on?

It’s been more than a decade, approx. 12 years, I am 21 and I was diagnosed with ''severe'' pulmonary hypertension in June 2003 due to large VSD (ventricular septum defect) with bidirectional shunt after angiography. Prior to that I have had a "small" congenital VSD (a small hole in heart) but when I was 3 it was “filled” naturally, and I was alright without “surgery”. I lived a healthy life until I was 9.

I found myself breathless, exhausted and fatigued even after little exertion. We thought it was asthma and went to many physicians and ENT specialists. Finally a doctor noticed my hands were blue and questioned if I had any heart problems in past. He suggested going back to my cardiologist as he thought there might be something wrong with my heart.

My cardiologist asked for an immediate angiography after which there was a meeting of various cardiologist and my family.  They (doctors) predicted my longevity to be 2.5 years.  The repeated what was written on my reports, '' ITS TOO LATE, NO ELEMENT OF RECOVERY COULD BE FOUND.'' This very line literally reshaped the perception of my entire life.

                            

I went to every possible place where the best doctors were available, but because there were and are no medications approved for children, I have been continually referred.  I have undergone various treatments, trials & experiments. Finally they found a medication regimen that worked, I was put on tracleer (Boonton), sildenafil (penegra), warfarin and lesoride (my current treatment, as well). While they said I would never survive without oxygen, I only use it at night.

My life was forever changed after diagnosis.  Since that day, I have always been treated as "Regina" by my loved ones, nobody ever dared to scold me. My parents and siblings were always gentle with me. I used to tell my friends I had asthma, as  I thought it would make sense to them.  I actually thought PH was another name for ''Heart asthma.'' However, my cardiologist scolded me and said, "If you knew the severity of what you have you would never call it asthma again! I can expect only an illiterate person to compare it to asthma."

What are you able to do that doctors said you couldn't? 

For the first five years, I was completely unaware of the fact that I had PH and that the doctors had thought I wouldn't live longer than 5 years. My doctors asked me to quit my studies after 11th grade.  I was doing pre-medical which they thought was too demanding and stressful. I argued and promised them I would avoid stress and I somehow passed it with A+. I was a good student and never ever thought, "Oh! I'm chronically ill.  I am about to die, why am I studying?"

However, I fell more severely ill and this time as the hole in my heart enlarged, it was decided my pre-med studies were a no-go. It was suggested I choose an easier course of study to have less impact on my health. I used to think about it for the days and nights and cry the whole night because I felt I wanted to do so much, to be so infused with all the energy to put into my work, but I was not able to, and that was really frustrating....

I had nothing else to do and an empty mind is a devils workshop. Pessimism started creeping up on me, and it felt there was no way to cast off melancholy. But, my parents helped me to choose a course of study, honors in English literature & linguistics. There have been many days of exacerbation, but I think to "give up" is accepting your defeat and that being a PHighter or warrior you are not supposed to give up.

They told me to avoid stairs and sports, I was actually supposed to limit my activities that demands more physical exertion... but, I am good at aerobics (an amazing choreographer, or so everyone says). My cardiologist says it’s not good for me, but whenever I listen to my favorite music I cannot help it, I consider it my exciting pulmonary rehab.

I am studying at a place far away far from home and living in hostel.  I have to do everything on my own and that's a big deal for me. I am able to do everything, but I need  "little breaks,” my friends call it "pause time". I think PH doesn't hinder you from living a normal life, we may just need to do it a little more "carefully." 

What is your dating life or marriage like with PH/Oxygen?

I was in 11th grade when I was being told by my doctor that "you are not supposed to get married." It was a great shock for me, I have never  considered myself as a patient, so I argued with my doctor and asked why.  He said "You cannot take care of yourself,  how can you manage a home of your own?”

After 2 years my cardiologist said the same thing but in a condescending way, he remarked "NO ONE ACCEPT AN OPEN HEART WITH OPEN HEART " ... a brutal statement indeed.  It served as an eye-opener for me, I couldn't argue this time because everything was so clear, tears blurred my vision because the initial acceptance of some facts is really a hard pill to swallow but once you make up your mind everything becomes easy.

It still resonates in my mind and hits me hard emotionally, but I am not convinced by this idea. My parents wanted to me to grow-up an independent and brave girl. People will definitely not be calling me a "Spinster." 

I am not saying a PHighter should or shouldn't get married, I am just trying to say this world is so cruel and being patient there is a possibility that you can be rejected or considered as a big "responsibility,” by a potential partner. Nearly all of the PH patients I know do marry, have kids (biological or adopted) and are living their lives happily because they are lucky ones to get their "rainbow" after the hurricane. But not everyone is lucky enough, I am an eternal optimist, I do believe in soul-mate theory.

But my focus and priority is my health so my ''BIG DAY'' would be the day I’ll get perfectly alright, yes that miracle day! I have seen many people posting in PH groups they are so anxious, perplexed & concerned about it (finding a partner), I would say "HAVE A FIRM FAITH" stay "STRONG" , KEEP YOUR SPIRITS HIGH , if luck favors you ! Great! If it doesn't that's not end of life...

One thing that my mother says when pessimism lapses on me "DON'T WORRY WHO KNOWS WHERE THE WIND MAY BLOW FOR MY GIRL."

Hardest part of life with PH?

The hardest part was the "acceptance" that I have a chronically terminal illness and I've a short time to live and being a kid this acceptance-phase prolonged  ... my doctor told me that only "will power '' will keep me alive. I've conceded to PH and every reality related to it with dignity....

Another hard part was when I couldn't study what I wanted to or I grew up dreaming of, because a person with right heart failure was not eligible.

I've had my days when I was really down and losing hope, but this was a greatest "learning-journey”. That pain must have taught me about the life, people & myself. It’s been a massive learning curve, so much about everything .I've experienced good things and bad things myself and that has taught me that the world is not all flowery, everybody doesn't want good for you ,friendship's changing equations, dynamics .I've also started to " grow-up" after fiercely resisting for many years.

Besides PH I have vigorously swollen "tonsils” for approx. 14 years and it hurts, in extreme condition it becomes red  ... My ENT specialist says I have needed surgery for the past 13 years, but due to anesthesia risk, they call me a HIGH RISK PATIENT and no one is ready to take that risk. That's why I am desperately waiting for a “miracle", seemingly all doors are closed for me but I have a blind faith in God that he’ll open all the doors at right time.

So, this was some of my story. In nutshell, I think my disease has helped me focus on what's important and let go of little things. I've made peace with the fact that there is a possibility I’ll die young, but HOPE is everything. Even healthy people aren't promised tomorrow. Respect the fact that you're a PHighter, it demands bravery as each day is fight and adventure,  pain demands to be felt, life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in rain so be thankful for what you have and you'll end up having more.

I literally count my own blessing and think that if the pain is so damn bigger, reward would be colossal. 

Stay tune for Part II of "A PH Story"

PH Goes To College: Part 2

By Becca Atherton

When I was just a few months old, my parents were told that I had only a 13% chance of living to the age of five. High school, Prom, getting my license and graduating high school were experienced my family never thought I’d get to experience – let alone college! But here I am today, twenty-one going to college, majoring in Psychology with a minor in Family/Marriage counseling. While going to college is an amazing experience that so many of us with PH thought we’d never get to have, there are some things about the experience that will be different for us than it would other college students.

The first PH conference I went to, I was just sixteen years old and I sat in on the ‘PH Goes to College’ panel, wanting to get some tips on how to deal with the stress of college and my disease at the same time. The students on that panel had some wonderful advice such as choosing classes later in the day so you’re not waking up super early, get in contact with disability services, e-mail your teachers before you meet them to tell them about yourself and not over-scheduling yourself when it comes to classes and after school activities. The only thing I wished had been different about the panel was their array of colleges. Everyone on that panel chose to go to a four year university – some even lived in dorms!

Seeing all these young adults up there, some going to Berkley and some even going to college out of state – it gave me unrealistic expectations for myself. I felt that if I went to community college that I wouldn’t be doing enough, that I wouldn’t be good enough. If they can go to a four year with PH, why can’t I?

PH and its symptoms are different from person to person. The amount of stress someone’s body can take is going to be different than yours. I had to remind myself that, and tell myself that at least I was going to college because there are some PH patients who can’t even get out of bed. So if you’re sitting there, thinking about going to college but not sure if you can handle the huge campus of a four year, I want you to know that community college is an option and it does not make you any less of a college student if you go.

Some of the best things about community colleges are its smaller campuses; so your classes won’t be too spread apart and the class sizes are smaller so your teacher will actually know you. When you get into a class of 500, the teacher isn’t going to know you or your health, which means, if you miss a day and need notes from that day, they probably won’t even realize you were gone. I was worried about dorm rooms in college. What if my roommates are up too late? Staying up late and not getting enough sleep has a tendency to put me in a tired mess when it comes to my PH.  What if my dorm mates got sick? I shouldn’t be around that. Staying at home was the option I chose and I don’t regret it for a minute. So I don’t get the ‘dorm experience’, I can just have my friends sleep over on the weekends if I want that.

One thing I noticed was how much cheaper it was than a four year. Sadly due to medical issues, I had to withdraw from classes last semester. Imagine paying all this money and then not even being able to finish the course? I lost money last semester, but not nearly as much as I could’ve.

Because my health was still a problem by the time this semester rolled around, I am taking this semester off and it kills me.  College makes me feel normal. I’d get up in the morning, get dressed and go to classes, hang out after school, come home and do homework. It gave me something to do and it made me feel like I was actually doing something with this life that my parents and I have fought so hard for. Sitting at home all day, not only is it boring but it makes me feel like I’m wasting the precious time that I have. I know that its not my fault and I know that it doesn’t make me some lazy person but I hate it when people ask me how classes are going because I have to answer with, “Oh I’m taking a semester off.” And I worry that I sound like one of those college kids who just got lazy or flunked out so they aren’t going to school this semester. If you are in this situation too, we have to remind ourselves that we are doing the best that we can. The standards for us are going to be a little different and there are going to be times when we have take breaks from college. Yes it means getting our degree later, but at least we are working towards it.

College can be a bit crazy and stressful, but it can also be so much fun. I’ve met a lot of great an amazing people through college and I’ve learned so much. I’ve had amazing experiences and gotten involved in a great club after school. (I did not do more than one club at a time due to stress and activity level). Just take it slow, remember that you don’t have to get everything done at once and that you’re on the right track.

In Spite of PH

Kevin and Karen poses with some of their parade
walkers after Marietta's notoriously hot and humid Fair Parade.

It’s November and I am fired up. Is it because it’s PH awareness month? Possibly. Is it because I have learned a lesson in my life with PH and I am excited to keep going from here? Maybe. Final question, is it because I feel the last year has taught me something great, and I am burning to share it with the world? Well... it is a combination of all three, really. A year has passed since my first awareness month, and I have learned so much in the last year; talked to so many people; and I hope, helped one or two people along the way.

In January 2013 I decided that I was going to run for office in my hometown. It is something that I have always wanted to do, and I figured “why not now?” I am feeling better than I have in years, and I figured that if nothing else was learned, I would need to keep myself organized for my health, and to keep my PH from getting the better of me. At the end of the campaign though, as I look back at it, I realize I did something else entirely. As my wife, Karen, and I reviewed everything the other night, as we talked to our friends, the campaign volunteers, and the city officials who helped me prepare for my run for office, we came to a startling conclusion that hit us over the heads after my friend and fellow PHer Teresa Hayes stated “You live your life in spite of PH.” That’s when it hit me, she is right. Karen and I didn’t let PH rule us this year like it did last year; We lived our lives in spite of it; we did not let PH guide us, we controlled it, we took this “new normal” and just made it our “normal.” I didn’t let my pulmonary hypertension deter me, or hold me back. I actually used it as a springboard to start the conversation, I used my PH as the motivation to do this, to live this year with purpose and drive, and I didn’t realize I had done it until Teresa made her observation, and until Karen informed me that I had, in fact, done just that. Not at any point in the last year did we let PH deter us. If I had reservations about anything, Karen helped me find a solution that was beneficial to us both. I walked, I talked, I attended every event I could fit into my schedule, and I did it on my terms, in my way, making PH work for me. 

I understand that for every one of us, something may be different, that what works for me or you may not work for someone else, but it is possible to redefine ourselves with PH, and not let PH redefine us, at least not in a negative light. I have heard patients say that they feel different now, that the new normal has changed them. In some regards that’s true. Perhaps it’s a quiet fishing day now instead of a canoe trip on the lake. Perhaps its a relaxing car ride when before it may have been a bicycle ride. But you don’t have to let pulmonary hypertension change YOU; who we are at the core of our beings. That person who laughs; that person who enjoys a good book in the backyard; that person who strives to make their community better, they still exist. The only thing that changes is the means that we use to achieve our ends. You can still do what you want to do, you can still strive for something more than the sum of your parts. We, as chronic patients, have to deal with a myriad of things that “normal” people do not. That doesn’t mean we can’t make the disease work for us. I already see it in so many patients; people who have taken PH, and found a new cause, a new purpose, a new way of living that doesn’t restrict them. It empowers them to work for our community, and to work for a common cause. As patients in general go, we can do the same thing, but for our families, for our communities, and for ourselves. We don’t have to let PH define us, we can define it, and determine what this disease is to us. Is it the end of our world, or just a new chapter in our lives that we already have so much experience living? Is pulmonary hypertension a reason to curl up, or a reason to redefine ourselves and our purpose on this Earth? I think that it can be just that, a redefinition of not who we are, but what we are here to do.

Karen and Victoria play on the front porch. Life with PH
doesn't mean changing who we are, it just means altering
how we do things. Sometimes if a bike ride is not possible,
it's time to break out the bubbles for our family's
outdoor night.

I have learned so much about myself in the last year and how to live with pulmonary hypertension. This disease motivated me to throw my life into another gear, to do what I could with what I had and strive to make my world a better place to live. I used PH to start the conversation, and then to springboard from it into how we were going to make my town a better place to live. I took so much motivation from my fellow patients who have redefined themselves, and do not let this disease rule them, they rule it. We have to live with pulmonary hypertension, that is an unfortunate fact, but I believe we each can let PH rule us, or we can rule it. This last year, I learned how to not just live with PH, but how to make it work for me, how to use it, instead of letting it use me. I know one thing for certain, if I can do this, without realizing it, then there are so many more of you out there who can do this, too. We all need to find the exact path that works best for us. That is why I am fired up this November, because I have learned that I made my entire year an awareness event, without even trying. I may have lost my election (by 275 votes in a city of 15,000), but I feel I did so much more than just run a campaign, I feel I did so much more than learn to live with this disease; I learned how to redefine myself, I learned how to live my life in spite of PH, and I have learned that anything is still possible, we just have to learn for ourselves how to achieve it. 

Art & Coping: Relieving Stress Through Creativity

Mimi Jordan

“With PH, you can get a sense of feeling not as worthwhile; art has given me a feeling that I can still do things. It is something you can share with others, art of any type is a creative work, and is a positive and helpful thing to do.”

Mimi Jordan has found a way to turn the hardships of living with pulmonary hypertension into something positive, art. While Mimi has always been an artist, due to PH and limiting physical activity, she has found more time to focus on her painting. Mimi paints on average four-five hours a day, five days a week, or whenever he schedule permits. She states, “It is easy to become negative about the things you cannot do living with PH, you need to find some way to cope in a positive way.” Painting, for Mimi, has become a meditative experience and an important part of her PH. She believes, “you need to find something positive, and creative, art has given me a feeling that I can still do things.”

Unfortunately, due to her physical limitations, Mimi is unable to visit museums or art galleries; however she enjoys browsing various art websites online such as One Art World and Saatchi Online. In addition to this, Mimi has a site of her own! Take a look at Mimi’s paintings.

BreAnn McFarland

Similarly to Mimi, BreAnn has also found comfort in art work.  Always being interested in art, BreAnn quickly realized how great a coping mechanism it was for dealing with her PH, and migraines post lung transplant. As a child, BreAnn possessed the talent for being able to draw something by just looking at it. After diagnosis, she was no longer able to keep up in school and had to switch to homeschooling. Fortunately, BreAnn was given the gift of a lung transplant that rid her of PH, unfortunately, the side effects of the medication she was placed on were chronic migraines. In the process of enrolling into college, BreAnn needed an activity that could get her out of bed and rid her depression. She soon realized that school could not become a part of her plan anymore, and became a full time crafter.

PH bracelet made by BreAnn

BreAnn makes stationary ranging from cards and boxes, to gift bags and jewelry and even temporary tattoos! She is also an avid Photoshop user. She states, “doing what I like to do every day gives me a reason to get up. I love more than anything to make things for people.” Through crafting, BreAnn has also acquired an online family from sites such as Facebook, Paper Craft Planet, and Crafts digital art center (CDAC).

Although she would like to, BreAnn is unable to visit museums or art galleries due to her lack of mobility caused by the migraines. Even though she is unable to enjoy art in those ways, she expresses her feelings on the benefits of creativity and art work. “You need some way to express what you’re feeling creatively as a way to get your feelings out. Great art has come from bottled up emotions. Art is not something you have to share, but something that helps!”

Brandi Stickney

Although Brandi has always been interested in art, she more recently has become interested in taking photographs both for herself and for others.  Upon diagnosis of PH two years ago, Brandi realized that photography was something she was really good at, and an activity of little physical demand. Brandi spends about 2-3 days a week, and around 20 hours a week on her photography. She has found children her favorite subjects to photograph because of their innocence and realness. Brandi states, “it makes me feel like I can do something that is in my control, because I cannot control the way I feel.”

Brandi frequently enjoys visiting museums and looking at other people’s art work to get inspired. For others who have not yet found that perfect coping mechanism, she shares “having a hobby you really love gives you a sense of control in an otherwise chaotic situation. It keeps your mind off of the things you cannot do.”